Dating Support Network

This is a follow-up to the original post Long-Distance Cougar Dating. Sounds Made Up. There really wasn’t supposed to be a follow-up, but alas there has been an actual face-to-face encounter between our girl and boy. And there’s a new wrinkle in the story. So now we have no choice but to have a “Part 2.”

First it must be said that it’s not entirely clear if this encounter was an actual date. Boy came in from out of town and asked our ‘experienced’ (ahem) girl to meet him for a coffee (evidently they love coffee). They spent their time talking and laughing as if they’d known each other for years (more years than he had even been alive!). The conversation took many twists and turns, dipping slightly serious territory at times, but all without skipping a beat. There were even some innocent accidental brushes and then some intentional touching (get your mind out of the gutter – it was arm around the shoulder chivalrous stuff). It was effortless. It was natural. And for our jaded girl, it was refreshing.

Which brings us back to our tragedy. He’s handsome. He’s smart. He’s confident. And to make matters worse, she now finds out that he’s moving to her city! No more long distance! Only cougar (which is a term we despise if we haven’t said it before)! It’s like the universe is playing a heartless joke after all those years of putting in hard time on the New York City dating beat. “Now?” she cries, “You send this to me now?!”

So, DSN, our girl is confused. She enjoys boy’s company so much and briefly fantasizes about the ever-so-slim possibility that anything like this could work out in real life. But then she quickly snaps herself back to reality, shields her heart with her head, and reminds herself that a little old thing like fourteen years separates them.  She’s not sure she can do the actual cougar thing (i.e., just have ‘fun’), but thinks maybe it’s better than nothing? Get to typing people! Should she even entertain the idea of going there?

We normally don’t tackle celebrities in our “DATE or DUMP?” features, but the Sandra Bullock/Jesse James story is just too unbelievable to pass over. Don’t let the title of this post sway your vote (we think you can guess how we feel about it). Should Sandra find it in her heart to forgive, or should she kick his awful tattooed ass to the curb? Just this one time we’re actually adding a third option to shoot.

All those in favor of bringing back “going steady,” say I.

Nowadays it seems Americans wake up each day to their corn flakes and a piping hot cup of cynicism. Distrust, paranoia, and negativity wear us down to the nub, and that’s just before noon. And if you’re single, how do you keep that positive hope of finding love alive in such a cynical swamp of a world?

I have a simple suggestion. Let’s bring back the tradition of going steady. I think we should do this for a few important reasons:

1)    Going steady can help bring back the fun of dating. Why do we need to make it so heavy between the first date and popping the question? Don’t you dread that point in the relationship where you have to have “the talk” to see if you are indeed exclusive? The interim step creates a light, neat milestone on the way to the altar.

2)    Somehow going steady sounds a lot less threatening than “being exclusive.” As we all know many men are t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d of commitment with a capital FREAKED OUT. Let’s take the edge off, shall we?

3)    Going steady is a throwback to more innocent times. Couldn’t we use that right about now, especially in the area of romance? Use a simple ring or pin to seal the deal. It’s very sweet!

This probably doesn’t help all of you confused daters out there who are stressed out about the current exclusivity of your relationships. Until going steady comes back into vogue, to you I say, just ask.  Don’t be afraid. Clarity is worth its weight in gold (which is also something you might get if you start going steady).

I had dinner with a couple last night who have been married for a little over a year. It’s his first marriage and her second (her divorce became final about two years ago). For some reason the subject of her first engagement ring came up. She still has it in her possession. The conversation went something like this:

Wife: “I am going to sell the ring. Too many bad memories and I don’t want to give it to anyone in the family with its bad karma.”

Husband #2: “But you’re going to get about 70% of what its really worth. Why don’t you make earrings or something out of it?”

Wife: “I don’t want to have anything to do with it. And wouldn’t it bother you to see the vestiges of my former bad marriage dangling from my ears?”

Husband #2: “To me, a rock is a rock. Maybe I’m not sentimental, but I’d rather you enjoy the full financial value of the jewelry.”

Me: [Drinks wine. Biting tongue, thinking he’s heartless].

The conversation made me want to crawl under the table, but it did make me think. After the divorce, the ring takes on a completely different meaning. It either becomes a symbol of all that is evil in the world and must be discarded at once to prevent the emotional trauma it will continually inflict, or it simply becomes a cold commodity. In today’s mega capitalistic society, what does the post-break up ring represent? I happen to think it’s symbolic and should be let go, even if you can’t get top dollar for it, but I could be in the minority. What do you think DSN?

This one should be a no-brainer, but we have a complicating factor. Kids are involved. Vote carefully to help our gal out…

My boyfriend and I have been together four years. We have a child together (and I have two children from a previous marriage). Recently I told him that I think the kids and I should get our own place.  He was shocked and upset, and of course begged for another chance. The problem is that this is a pattern that has repeated itself since the start of our relationship. We fight constantly, he puts me down and blames me for everything, and brings to my attention every penny I spend everyday. But then when I pull away or completely ignore him (something I don’t feel right doing), he snaps to attention and swears he’ll change. He shows some improvement for a couple of weeks, but inevitably he returns to his old self. I really think I would be happier living away from him, but I’m not sure how this will affect the kids. Is it better for them to have a father figure, even if he isn’t the most positive person in the world?

What do you say DSN? VOTE NOW:

Every year I say, “No. That’s it. I will not watch The Bachelor or The Bachelorette!” But my abnormal obsession with romantic relationship dynamics compels me to tune in. I’m an addict. I admit it. So now that I’ve recognized my problem I can fully admit that I was especially hooked on the most recent season of The Bachelor, and the train wreck that is heretofore known as Jienna.

Normally at the end of every season of The Bachelor, there are two relatively likeable women. Sure, each finalist builds up a loyal team of followers who root for the other’s dumping, but either choice would be generally acceptable to the masses. But not this time. Vienna made it all the way to the end and she was fairly universally disliked. An audible “ugh” could be heard throughout TV land when Jake got down on bended knee.

But why? What made this girl so unsavory and her ultimate win so unpopular? Unfortunately Vienna has learned first-hand what it means to be trashed by the media. I don’t like to jump on the trashing bandwagon, but for the sake of voicing the frustration of millions of beautiful, smart, mature women everywhere, I feel it is my duty to say “WTF?!!”

Let’s break it down. First, let’s all agree that Jake Pavelka is, for all intents and purposes, a catch. He wouldn’t be The Bachelor if he weren’t. Some might debate that his frequent crying docked him some manly points, but I suspect most women translate that as sensitive.

Second, Vienna is what most would say a “stretch” for Jake. She wouldn’t win any beauty contests, drops immature cutting lines (that are apparently supposed to be funny), talks in a wispy fairy princess voice, yet moves like a bull in a china shop. On top of that, pictures have surfaced that portray her as a trailer park party girl. But above all, it would be remiss to say that there is something ‘off’ about Vienna (even Mama Jake and her band of daughters noticed it off the bat!). I can’t tell whether it’s her way of constantly shifting her eyes while she speaks (thereby averting direct eye contact) or that huge mouth of big teeth, but my observation that she is grating is apparently shared by viewers other than me.

So how did this most unlikely of romantic unions come to be?

My conclusion is that Jake, as great of a guy as he appears to be, could be straight out of Mad Men casting. At the end of the day, he just wanted his dumb, bleach blond plaything that “generates a lot of heat” and doesn’t challenge him in any significant way. So when Jake chose Vienna, it was another knock on the woman of the world who are trying to do it all and be it all (think Ali). It was a deflating moment because it reinforced the old-fashioned strong man-empty woman relationship paradigm. It would have been refreshing to see a guy like Jake show some maturity and choose a woman with whom he could build a quality, balanced relationship.

Jake, our bets are on this union breaking up before you get to the altar, mainly because the ‘heat’ you feel now will fizzle when the reality of Vienna settles in. We want to give you a hardy slap right now, but ultimately we’ll give you a hug. You’re gonna need it.

It’s time for another DATE OR DUMP! Readers submit their wooing woes and we ask you, the (lovely and talented!)Dating Support Network, to tell them what to do: Date? or Dump? Today: A husband’s emotional affair.

I’m 26 and I’ve been with my husband for over 8 years (married a little over 2 years). After starting marriage counseling a few months ago for “communication issues,” I discovered that my husband was seeing an ex-girlfriend. He was making classic cheating moves – A TEXTBOOK CHEATER. He was doing it big for this chick- haircuts, new clothes, new cologne- the whole nine yards. He told me he was hanging with his boys, but I just didn’t buy it. I went through his phone over the course of several weeks and found out some of what was going on, but not all. I finally confronted him about what I found on his phone and he lied (a lot). Then he finally confessed to “talking over dinner & drinks” for a few weekends (in a row). He was doing all this lying & eating & drinking & talking while WE were in counseling! I thought we had re-committed to EACH OTHER & our marriage, and he had re-connected with HER. Now, I’m forced to make the decision of whether to stay in my marriage after being lied to and having my heart broken by the man I thought was my best friend- my husband. My heart and mind (and my gut) have differing opinions. What should I do?

Well DSN, what do you say. Vote below and be sure to comment on the post explaining your vote.

There you are. Gazing into each other’s eyes across a candlelit table. He grabs your hand and clasps his fingers in yours. The sexual heat mounts. You haven’t slept with each other yet, so tonight could be the night you find out just how big it is. But before you do, the waiter whips the check out on the table. You both eye it with a bit of trepidation, wondering about how big It is. And who is going to pay? Then you both simultaneously lose your boners (let’s pretend girls get boners, too).

Money wasn’t always a source of anxiety when it came to dating. The gender roles were clear: Men pay for dinner and women give the BJs (full-on sex if she has the lobster). But today the negotiation is not as simple. Women are bringing home more bacon these days and paying someone else to fry it up in a pan. They don’t need a man to buy them dinner, especially if it means shedding an obligation to show her ‘appreciation’ afterwards. But even if she can afford to eat at Le Cirque every night of the week, should she pay for dinner on a date? And where does this leave the guy? Does he feel in any way emasculated if a woman pays, especially if he doesn’t make as much as she does? You may not have had the money conversation at this point yet, but it’s usually pretty clear who’s raking in more dough.

Let’s fast forward to an exclusive relationship, post-Honeymoon phase. You’re already over the cute gurgling sounds he makes when he sleeps and stopped laughing at the same ‘man walks into a bar’ joke he tells every new person he meets. In other words, you’re committed and in love, but also neck deep in reality. This could possibly be the man you build your nest egg with. The question is, who’s laying that egg? Who’s going to raise your little chicks while the other is making sure there are enough worms to eat?

Before going down that path, make sure you have a heart-to-heart with yourself about where you stand with money. Disconnect your heartstrings temporarily while you do it so you can factor in all of the cold heart facts about where the money is coming from, and if you care if you’re the one bring it in. For better or for worse, it’s something you shouldn’t ignore, no matter how big (the good) it may be.

What do you say DSN? How does money play a role in your relationship?

It’s time for another DATE OR DUMP! Readers submit their wooing woes and we ask you, the (lovely and talented!)Dating Support Network, to tell them what to do: Date? or Dump? Today: Is her boyfriend up to no good with his ex? Sinking Suspicion writes:

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We don’t live together mainly because of my traditional upbringing. I never wanted to live with anyone until after marriage. Everything has been going really well up until the last month. His ex-girlfriend, who he was with for four years, called him to say she’s sick and needed his help. I’ve had no problem with them being friends, but he’s been spending A LOT of time with her since she told him she was not doing well. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he told me I was just being insecure. He hasn’t reduced the amount of time he’s spending with her, and she’s already started to get better. I’m worried that he’s falling for her again.

Alright Dating Support Network, vote below and comment to tell your fellow-reader what she should do.

My friend showed me a picture of this guy she went to college with. “He’s going to be at my party on Saturday,” she said. “He’s hot. But he’s a bad boy. And he’s really smooth. Watch out.” I was duly warned. But you can’t really blame me for what happened. His hotness completely overpowered my sense of hearing. Come on, it’s simple physics!

Well, let me tell you, that picture did not lie. The boy looked like he had stepped straight off the cover of Men’s Fitness. He must have sensed my instant submissive state when I entered the party. Our eyes locked and I was helpless. Just look at him for dear God’s sake! Six foot three. Broad shoulders. Chiseled jaw. Ripped abs. Yum.

After the party ended, this perfect man asked me if I wanted to go for another drink with him. My friend’s cautionary words tried to penetrate my brain. “Watch out….watch out….watch out” her voice echoed. No dice. His Adonis beauty was like kryptonite to my Bad Boy resistance. “Okay!” I said enthusiastically. Cut to end of drinks. The walk home. One tasty kiss. What was I doing?

But it didn’t end there. According to the classic Bad Boy playbook, he called me every day that week and took me out again that weekend. Then we went on a daytime running date. Then we slept together. AND he called the next day.  All within a week! “Maybe this time really will be different!” I would think to myself floating down the street. I fantasized about the deliciously jealous looks on my married sisters’ faces when I brought my beautiful man home for Thanksgiving. In my little vision he would eat two full helpings of turkey with all the fixins, pumpkin pie for dessert, and then demonstrate one-handed push-ups with the dog on his back without breaking a sweat. “Not like your chubby hubbies, eh?” I would say with a gloating smirk.

But underneath these victorious dreams was an intense fear. I was not only afraid he was going to leave me, but I found I was more fearful of what it said about me if that happened. I must have been something truly special with this guy’s arm around me, but I must be something really worthless if he leaves. The thought terrorized me every day we were “together.”

Well, it doesn’t take a psychic to predict what happened next. Soon his calls and emails became fewer and further apart. He started to disappear, as the Bad Boy does, into the cityscape where his next conquest awaited him. After it finally ended with a tearful confrontation on my part, I can sum up my emotional state for the following months in one word: OBLITERATED.

I hate to admit it, but this was not the first time this had happened to me. I had a history of latching myself onto dashing men, imbuing them with emotional qualities they simply didn’t possess, and carefully crafting a “relationship” that ended in disaster. But it was this guy that hit me particularly hard. I think it was because I had come face-to-face with the ultimate Bad Boy. He was so skilled at creating the feelings that were associated with a budding relationship, but the entire time I was painfully aware that it wasn’t real.

After this experience, I decided I needed to figure out the roots of my Bad Boy addiction. I needed the equivalent of the Bad Boy Patch to learn how to get the toxins out of my system.

The rehabilitation process I put myself through is too long to describe here (contact us if you’re interested), but the long and short of it is that it worked! The basic lesson is: Stop searching for that someone who you believe will provide you with your special identity. You need to discover and accept your own unique identity in order for the right person to find you.

I truly never believed I would be able to shake my Bad Boy addiction, but after I learned to appreciate myself and stopped trying to control my relationships, it all became very simple. In fact, when I bumped into my last Bad Boy, I did not find him physically attractive at all! Seriously! He turned my stomach! I was so proud of myself when that happened. I was finally free!

Do you have a Bad Boy habit you want to drop? Tell the DSN. You can do it!